


1440 Minutes Every Day

by SoldierOfMyShadowyMind



Category: Mission: Impossible (Movies), Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol (2011), Mission: Impossible - Rogue Nation (2015)
Genre: Also fluff, Amnesia, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bittersweet, Established Relationship, Ethan is an emotional wreck, Happy Ending, Hospitalisation, Hurt!Will, Hurt/Comfort because I’m a sucker for sadness, M/M, and a hopeless romantic, descriptions of torture, tons of shy smiles
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-18
Updated: 2016-10-07
Packaged: 2018-05-27 12:30:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6284647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoldierOfMyShadowyMind/pseuds/SoldierOfMyShadowyMind
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Will sighs softly in his drug-infused sleep and Ethan wants to cry.<br/>Ethan doesn’t think he can do this if this is what their lives are going to be. Having to win him over day after day.</p><p>(Temporary Hiatus)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! I decided to post this even if it's not completely finished yet but maybe this motivates me to write faster. A few things before we start:  
> There won’t be much action in this, it’s kind of slow moving but with a heavy dose of hurt and fluff ;).  
> My Italian is a bit rusty and it’s most likely terrible but I hope it did the job.  
> Also, this was intended as a one-shot but then it got a little out of hand *coughs* and that’s why you’ll get chapters.
> 
> I hope you'll enjoy!

**Friday, 17 th September**

**_Late afternoon_ **

 

The soft knock on the door makes Ethan jump and he half gets up from the chair he’s sitting on but when he sees Jane closing the door behind her he slumps back down, head hung, chin on his chest. Jane walks towards him and stops behind him, reassuringly placing both her hands on Ethan’s shoulders. She rubs them up and down a bit, showing him that she’s there, she’s here if he needs her.

“How is he?” she asks in a hushed voice, probably because she knows Ethan’s feeling on edge, he’s jumpy and he hasn’t slept for thirty-six hours.

“Nothing’s changed” he replies huskily, tiredly.

There’s no need to be whispering, Will won’t wake up from the noise, he’s too far gone. The drugs in his system make sure of that. But Ethan doesn’t think he can manage much more than a hoarse whisper. He can’t find the strength inside himself.

Jane squeezes his shoulder. “He’s going to be all right” she says and hell, Ethan wants to believe her. Desperately. But so many people have told him this already – Jane, Benji, the doctors, the nurses – and nothing’s happened so far, nothing in Will’s condition has changed ever since they brought him in.

But Ethan’s not about to give him up. He won’t ever do that, he won’t give up on Will, _his_ Will. No matter how bad it is – and it is very, very bad, the doctors tried to conceal it with their professional medical babbling but Ethan’s discovered it, anyway. He’s not exactly expected it to be any different but the hope had still been there, that by some incredible miracle-- You can’t kill hope. Or, you can, but Ethan won’t let the others do that. There’s always hope, even if it’s just the tiniest of sparks.

“You need to sleep, Ethan” Jane says gently from where she’s still standing behind him.

Ethan merely shakes his head; he’s dead on his feet, bone-deep exhausted but he can’t go to sleep now, Will might wake up and he’ll need him. So, he’s not going home and he’s not going to sleep. Not until sleep itself pries him out the grasp of consciousness.

“Ethan, you’ve been awake longer than any of us, you’re practically falling asleep standing. You need to rest” Jane implores him but there’s a demanding undertone to her voice and it’s soon going to surface, Ethan knows.

And because he doesn’t know what to say that she’d believe he tries the truth. “I can’t. What if he wakes up?” He sounds so small, so worn out. He might just say that the past thirty-six hours have been the most horrible ones of his whole life.

“We’ll tell you. I’ll phone you straight away.”

“But someone needs to be here” Ethan argues but of course Jane’s got an answer to that as well.

“There’s always one of us here. Benji’s just gone home, I will stay here with him.”

It’d be perfectly all right and Ethan almost wants to agree to her offer but he can’t. He straightens up, hands on his knees, but he doesn’t turn for then Jane would see how bad he really is.

“I’ll stay” he declares.

Isn’t it ironic? The one who needs sleep continuously refuses to take a mere hour to lie down while the other sleeps, and all they want is for him to wake up. Ethan bites at the inside of his cheek as he wills the tears to dry before they can fall.

Jane sighs and the exasperation is paired with compassion, with sadness. She knows better than to try and persuade him; once Ethan Hunt has an idea in his head he won’t let go of it.

Withdrawing her hands she turns to the door. “Just promise me that you will get your wounds looked at, yeah?”

Ethan just nods; he hasn’t let the doctors get near him, his mind is set on Will, like a broken record stuck on the same thought over and over again.

_He’s hurt. He might not wake up again._

And it’s all his fault, his alone.

He can feel Jane’s eyes on him as she stands, unsure what to say, but then she leaves, exits without another word and Ethan ponders how long a person can go without sleep.

 

 

* * *

**Wednesday, 15 th September**

 

“How’s it going?”

“Shhh! They’re talking!”

Benji holds up his hands in defence. “Sorry, I was only asking.”

“Yes, and you’re distracting me” Ethan snaps back, more force behind the words than he’s intended. But he doesn’t apologise and instead concentrates on the voices in his ears.

_“Filippo, che dici tu?”_

_“Abbiamo bisogno di prova che Gianni sarà lì. Devo essere assolutamente sicuro prima di fare il trasferimento. Non pagheró un sicario in anticipo e scoprirò che l’oggetto non è stato lì.”_

Ethan’s Italian isn’t the brightest but he understands the core of it, he gets what they’re up to. It turned out to be a bit more complicated than they initially thought but it doesn’t worry him all that much – they’ve got everything under control.

_“Non sarà un problema-”_

Will’s speaking way better than Ethan can even understand the language but his accent betrays him. Still, he got in without much trouble and from then on everything went astoundingly smooth. Will was the only candidate for the job, truth be told. Ethan wasn’t – and still isn’t – comfortable with the thought of him undercover in an Italian mafia family but their plan is watertight. Will is the American lawyer who goes by the name of Terence Eastwood and who has a rather successful history of defending members of a friendly mafia family which are, among other businesses, into industrial espionage. Since Will is the only one of the team who speaks Italian fluently and knows more than any of them about legal matters he was the obvious choice.

“Ethan, I’ve been undercover before, I know what I’m doing.” That’s what he’d said when Ethan had proved to be difficult to convince. “It’s been a while, yes, I know that and before you start arguing” he had held his hand up, stopping him short, “it’s also been a while that I’m back to field work, remember? And since I’m the only one who’s suitable for the job, I’m going to do it. And that’s all there is to it. Unless you’ve got a better idea.”

Of course Ethan couldn’t provide one and so he’d merely sighed and accepted that this was what they needed to do. The smile Will had given him had reassured him that it’d be all right. He trusts Will’s skills and since they’d double checked everything there wasn’t much that could go wrong. Still, that hadn’t held him back from grabbing Will’s arm just when he was about to leave and pulling him close, holding him tight for a couple of seconds and kissing him deeply before whispering “Take care” in his ear and letting him go.

Ethan cringes at the memory and directs his focus back to the conversation. Undercover missions meant preparation – a hell of a lot of it. And it meant a long-term operation. And to be quite honest, Ethan’s never liked those missions, he’s never fancied being at something for longer than two weeks because the longer you work on something the higher the risk gets that you’re going to be discovered. It’s been a month and a half now and that’s only the actual mission time. Adding all the preparation and the time it needed to infiltrate the family, to have Will building ties with them, it’s been a little over four months that Ethan couldn’t see Will. And he’s slowly but surely going mad. Because… well, because he needs Will. Business-like under three minutes conversations over the phone aren’t a substitute for seeing him in person, having him close, actually being able to talk to him properly. And they certainly can’t wipe away Ethan’s doubts, his worry. Because of course he’s worried, he’s sent Will right into the eye of the storm, into the centre of the danger.

Then, he reminds himself, this is what they _do_ and it’s all right for Will so maybe Ethan should get comfortable with the thought.

It might dull the worry for a while but it doesn’t lessen the longing.

The Mafiosi are still talking and Ethan needs a while to get back on track. The conversation’s circling idly around drinks at the moment and Ethan can hear Will laugh heartily at some point. Everything’s fine, settled.

But then there’s a muffled sound of talking somewhere aside from the group and Ethan strains his ears to catch the words.

When said in Italian it sounds so much nicer but the meaning stays the same.

_“Check him out. I don’t trust him. There’s something about him that smells of lie.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s what the Italians and Will were talking about (yes, I know, probably not very meaningful but that’s mainly due to my rusty language skills):  
>  _Man: “Filippo, what do you say?”_  
>  _Filippo: “We need some sort of evidence that Gianni is going to be there. I have to be absolutely sure before the transfer is executed. I’m not going to pay an assassin in advance and then discover that the target wasn’t even there.”_  
>  _Will: “It’s not going to be a problem.”_
> 
> Also, feedback would be very nice! <3  
> Have a good day!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The mission… well, the mission is shit (I want to see the day where I come up with an accurate, suspense-y mission description) but it’s not that important so hopefully you’ll forgive me :D  
> Many thanks to Cody for being a lovely beta!

**Friday, 17 th September**

**_Evening_ **

 

The silence in the room is suffocating and the regular beeping of all the machines Will is wired to is intolerable. Ethan’s eyes fall to the quietly ticking watch round his wrist. Forty hours. Will hasn’t even moved once. The doctors say it’s normal, nothing to worry about. Will’s been hurt badly, he’s got some very nasty injuries and he needs sleep, his body activating its healing process. With the medicine cocktail flowing through his veins it’s going to take some more time until he wakes up. Ethan buries his face in his hands. He longs to hear Will’s voice, see his beautiful eyes, but at the same time he dreads the look in them, the expression directed at him, all the hurt and the blame.

Ethan isn’t sure what he’s going to do when he sees it. Apologise, yes, but will it be enough? This time he can’t make it up to Will, this time he’s fucked it up beyond repair. He should have listened to his instincts, shouldn’t have let himself be talked down. Should, should, should… He can’t change it now, can he? The decision has been made. Of course Benji isn’t wrong when he says that they should be grateful that they all made it out alive. But it needn’t have come so far in the first place. Secondly, is this what can be called _alive_? Will’s unconscious, he looks terrible and every time Ethan chances a glance at him, see if he’s moved, he almost can’t bear the sight. The guilt is choking.

The monitors tell him everything’s as fine as it can be, Will’s heart rate is normal, he’s breathing regularly and on his own and the knowledge should be comforting but it’s not. Ethan won’t be assured as long as Will doesn’t wake up. And he won’t leave him. No matter how much the others plead him to go and sleep a few hours, eat something, as long as he’s allowed in here he’s going to stay. He doesn’t care what it does to his own health – jesus, that’s the last thing he’s worried about right now.

He would swap places with Will without thinking if someone gave him the chance.

After all, it’s his fault that Will’s lying here, he’s let it get this far. When Ethan thinks about it it’s funny, really. Everything seemed fine, yes, they had reason to worry but it was wiped out. And then Will wasn’t where he should have been and Ethan’s never going to forget this sinking, sickening feeling of dread in his stomach when the voice in his head started its never ending circle of _I told you so, you knew._ Ethan squeezes his eyes shut when the pictures come flooding back, Will on the ground, back propped up against a wall, head fallen forward, unconscious, hurt. All the blood on his clothes and on the ground around him. The pulsing wound running from his forehead down to his right temple, dangerously close to his eye. The cut on the top of his head, his hair sticky with dark red half-dried blood. His left arm spreading away from the body in an odd angle, every single finger of his hand broken. The cuts and bruises on his arms, his right knee shattered. The work of a bullet. The blood in his mouth.

Ethan just wonders why they didn’t kill him. It wouldn’t have been much of an effort to finish the job. But perhaps they thought he was dead. Or even if they knew he was still breathing, perhaps they left him to die slowly, knowing that no one would find him here, no one would come looking. Eventually he’d die of blood loss or the damage the torture had done to his inner organs. Ethan can’t even imagine the agonising pain Will must have been in, the fear of dying, of dying alone. And he wasn’t there to save him, to protect him.

Ethan can taste the bile rising in his throat and he feels like throwing up.

So he’s going to stay here and wait. Hoping that when Will wakes up eventually, he’ll be able to forgive him. Ethan knows he’s being selfish but he can’t help it, he needs to be sure, he needs to hear it from Will’s lips.

He’s praying for Will to wake up, to be fine. And for forgiveness.

 

 

* * *

 

 

**Wednesday, 15 th September**

 

“We’ve got to get him out of there _now!_ ” Ethan’s almost yelling now but the others don’t seem to comprehend the urgency of the situation.

“Ethan, calm down--” Benji begins but he steamrolls right over him, indignantly.

“I’m not going to calm down! Will’s in danger, _immediate_ danger!” Looking into two doubting faces Ethan throws his hands up in exasperation and tries to control his breath. Convincing them requires a calm and collected team leader, not a hysterical boyfriend. “Look, I heard them talking. They said they didn’t trust him, that they wanted to run a background check.”

Jane sighs softly. “Ethan, we’re prepared for this. Will’s got a whole new identity, we’ve been extra careful so that there are no holes, nothing to suggest he isn’t who he’s pretending to be.”

Ethan runs his hand through his hair. “I know. But think about it, Jane, they’ve already checked him the minute he set his foot over their threshold. If they’re talking about it now, they must have reason to suspect he’s not Terence Eastwood.”

Benji stops chewing his lower lip for a second and throws in a pensive, “He’s got a point, Jane.”

Ethan throws him a glance. “Thank you, Benji” he says a bit over-enthusiastically.

“Fine” Jane finally concedes. “But let’s gather some more information, okay? It might be nothing at all and interfering now would endanger the whole operation.” She stops Ethan with a sharp look just as he’s about to protest. “I’m not putting the mission before Will, I’m just saying that it’s all set for tonight, the deal’s been made and we only have to wait another one or two days and then it’s gonna be done and dusted and he’ll be safe.”

Ethan looks at her, studies her features but she seems so sure, so convinced. Exhaling a deep breath he closes his eyes for a second and tries to think of what Will would do. Be rational, think logically. He’d risk it, Ethan knows he would, just as they all would in Will’s place. And three years ago Ethan wouldn’t have had such a problem with it. But he and Will aren’t just colleagues anymore and his mind works differently when it comes to Will. He can’t help it, the over-protectiveness. It’s in his genes, he’s wired that way and he can’t change it. He’s always going to be overly cautious and protective where his loved ones are concerned.

Nevertheless, he says when he opens his eyes again, “Fine. We’re going to check out the situation, examine everything we’ve got and if there’s the tiniest hint that they found out, that they plan to dispose of him, I’ll go and get him out.”

He gets a collective nod from his team mates and retreats back to his room. Putting the earphones on he listens if there’s something going on. Ethan hates this, sitting around, doing nothing, driving himself up the wall with worry. But he’s got to be rational.

The voices filling his ear have become familiar over the weeks and he relaxes a bit when the current subject of choice is the beautiful south of Italy. They might be highly dangerous gangsters but they aren’t wrong. It is beautiful there. Ethan’s thought of taking Will to Italy for vacation but he’s never had the chance to actually take time off because they’ve been thrown mission after mission at their heads and to be frank, it’s become rather exhausting. Ethan’s eyes wander out to the small window, daydreaming about a few weeks where it’s just the two of them. He loves Will when he relaxes, he’s so much more at ease then, so much happier. Ethan hates to see him working himself to the bone even if Will always says he’s fine. They never get enough time together and when this is all over then Ethan’s going to change that.

A sudden noise interrupts his thoughts and he’s on high alert instantly, intensely listening to the voices in his ears. One belongs to one of the heads of the family, Marco, the second to who they’ve learnt is his confidant, Filippo. And the third belongs to Will. To Ethan’s distress he sounds rather agitated.

_“Come ho già detto--”_

_“Silenzio!”_

_“Non è successo niente di-- Aspetti!”_

_“Marco, si deve considerare--”_

_“Zitto!”_

_“Marco, ascolta!”_

Ethan grits his teeth. What the hell is going on there? The next sentences are mumbled lowly so that Ethan can’t hear what they’re saying but then Filippo speaks up again.

_“Ha preparato i documenti per stasera?”_

_“Sì.”_ That’s Will.

_“Allora. Signor Eastwood, Lei potrebbe informare Stefano Rossi?"_

_“Certo.”_

The rest of the exchange consists of details for tonight and Ethan sighs, somewhat relieved. The argument subsides and he hears footfalls; that must be Will leaving the room. Perhaps he’s just being overly worried.

 

* * *

 

 

“The coast seems clear.”

“Are they all there?”

“Marco has just entered the room” Benji informs him. “And there’s another man coming in, I guess that’s this Stefano Rossi.”

“Okay. Jane?” Ethan asks.

“In position” comes the reply.

They know that the important members of the Baldani family are going to be here tonight. They know that the other party (the mysterious Gianni and his henchmen) will arrive soon at what was referred to in the conversations they overheard as _the conference._ They know that there’s going to be a deal and as soon as it is wrapped up the assassin lurking somewhere in the shadows around the building is going to take this Gianni out before the ink is dried. Their job is to use the heat of the moment to create a little distraction and get the shiny silver suitcase with the documents. Valuable information. Casualties allowed if necessary. Will’s part is the most dangerous since he’s got to snatch the suitcase and disappear without being caught. But the gathering down in the hall looks calm and almost jaunty so Ethan doesn’t worry too much. They’re all in position and as long as Will doesn’t use the codeword for _trouble_ it’s going to be okay.

Speaking of Will.

“Can you see Will?” Ethan asks Benji and the techie takes his time with the answer.

“Um… nope, he’s not with them. Yet.” Quickly, he adds, as if to calm Ethan, “But seeing as Filippo isn’t here yet, I’m sure they’ll join them in a minute.”

Ethan just nods, changing position so that he has a better view of the party downstairs. The minutes tick by and then a tall man with broad shoulders and a bald head who Ethan supposes is Gianni enters the room, followed by five other men, two at his sides, the other three approaching the Baldanis and searching them for weapons. Afterwards there’s a round of friendly greeting and the men sit down at the table and start to chat.

Will still hasn’t arrived.

“Dammit, Benji, Jane, what is going on there?” Ethan hisses. “Will’s not there and Filippo is nowhere to be seen, either.”

“I don’t know, they might just happen to be late” Benji provides but Ethan isn’t convinced.

“Um, boys, it looks as if they’re on it” Jane suddenly says and Ethan’s head shoots upwards as he tries to get a glimpse of the events in the hall.

One of Marco’s men is currently opening the silver suitcase and Gianni is being handed a leather-bound map which without doubt houses the contract. All the while they keep up the happy chatter.

Ethan narrows his eyes. They are not following the plan, something is off.

Then he remembers the conversation.

Nothing to suggest that they suspected but the tone in Filippo’s voice should have betrayed him. Ethan should have noticed right then that something was going terribly wrong.

“Fuck!” he hisses and hastily scrambles to his feet from his crouched position. “We need to get back to their base, they know!”

“What? What are you--”

“Benji, they _know!_ That’s why Will isn’t here, they’ve found out!” God, he doesn’t want to imagine what they would do to him, what they probably _are_ doing to him right in this moment.

“Ethan…”

“What?!” The words come out sharper than he’s intended but he can’t think about anything else but Will and they need to hurry for heaven’s sake!

Jane sounds wary when she says, “Filippo’s just arrived.”

For a few seconds Ethan can’t move, his eyes are glued to the group of men in the hall.

Then, he runs. As soon as he’s outside the building he barks commands at his team mates and a couple of seconds later they’re in the van, rushing down the road. Brakes screeching they stop in front of the Baldanis’ residence and take out the two guards running towards them. Inside the house they’re a little stealthier, swarming in three different directions. They break through the locked door at the back of the building and Ethan’s heart stops for a second when he sees him.

“Will!” he exclaims, rushing towards him and falling to his knees beside him. “God, Will, what did they do to you?”

Gently he touches Will’s shoulder but his friend doesn’t move. “Will, can you hear me? Will!” When there’s still no reaction he scoops Will up into his arms and turns to the others. “We need to get out of here now!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The conversation:  
>  _Will: “Like I already said--”_  
>  _Marco: “Silence!”_  
>  _Will: “Nothing happened-- Wait!”_  
>  _Filippo: “Marco, you have to consider--”_  
>  _Marco: “Shut up!”_  
>  _Filippo: “Marco, listen to me!”_  
>  _Filippo to Will: “Have you prepared the documents for tonight?”_  
>  _Will: “Yes.”_  
>  _Filippo: “All right. Mr Eastwood, could you inform Stefano Rossi?"_  
>  _Will: “Of course.”_  
>  (It's... it's terrible, I know.)
> 
> I would love to know what you think and I hope you'll stick with me!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here it finally is, chapter 3 - which is really just a short interlude. The next is going to introduce the actual topic (and I promise, you won't have to wait long).

**Sunday, 9 th July**

 

Will empties his beer and raises a hand to shield his eyes from the sun when he looks at Ethan. “Let’s go inside. It’s getting hot.”

Ethan nods, draining the remains of his own bottle. He likes it out here, the view from the balcony is gorgeous. But Will’s right, the afternoon sun is burning on his skin and he sighs contentedly when the cool of the apartment enwraps him. Cool is a bit exaggerated, though, it’s still way too warm in here but they haven’t come round to repairing the air-conditioner (of bloody course the thing went dead in the middle of summer) but at least the temperature is a little more tolerable then outside.

Ethan watches Will putting the empty bottles away, then filling himself a glass of water and drinking it up without even stopping once. His skin is tanned; he’s never been one for turning red and Ethan isn’t the slightest bit ashamed of his thoughts when he imagines Will’s hot skin against his own, his quick breath on the side of his neck. Lazy afternoon sex and a cool shower afterwards. His fingers itch to touch Will.

Ethan decides to give it a go.

He wraps his arms around Will from behind his back just as his boyfriend puts the empty glass down on the counter. Will smiles and lets himself fall backwards, leaning against Ethan’s chest.

“I know what you’re up to” he drawls with a knowing smirk on his lips and Ethan blushes.

Is he that obvious?

Will’s hands travel down to his waist and then he quickly turns around, leaning forward so that their foreheads touch. The smirk is still there on his face and the devilish twinkle in his eyes drives Ethan insane, making him want to kiss the hell out of him. Will grants him a taste of his lips when he leans in but it doesn’t last half as long as Ethan wants it to. The quirked eyebrow he’s gifted with when he opens his eyes again has his heart pick up speed and his shorts suddenly feel too tight. The smile on Will’s face widens and Ethan knows he’s going to get what he wants.

“Come” Will whispers seductively and Ethan snorts at the ambiguity of it as Will grabs his hand and leads him to the bedroom.

Ethan’s got Will out of his clothes faster than he can blink and Will lets out a surprised gasp when his back hits the mattress.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Ethan feels comfortably exhausted and he decides that the shower can wait even if washing the sweat off his body is tempting. Will’s lying next to him, wrapped up in Ethan’s arms, head tilted up so that they can trade slow kisses. He’s not going to lie – he’s never had better sex in his life and Will, the bastard, knows that. Ethan’s hand travels up into Will’s hair and the soft sigh Will gives at the sensation has Ethan smiling and he deepens the kiss. In bed with his gorgeous, beautiful boyfriend, lazily making out, the light breeze that sweeps into the room through the open window tickling his skin… Ethan’s never felt more relaxed, never happier than this and he doesn’t want the day to end.

He pulls Will closer, burying his nose in his hair. “I’ve got you, darling” he whispers and he knows how soppy he sounds but he doesn’t give a damn.

He loves him, and he needs Will to know that.

Will chuckles lightly, nestling his head to lie under Ethan’s chin, his ear to Ethan’s chest. “Hmmm, you’re hot” he murmurs, his lips grazing across Ethan’s skin.

“Thank you, but someone doesn’t look so bad himself” Ethan replies, knowing that this is not what Will meant.

The laughter bubbles out of their mouths before they can stop themselves but it dies down soon again, leaving room for companionable silence.

“You’re always there, aren’t you?” Will says quietly, and it’s more a statement than a question but Ethan answers nonetheless.

“Of course. I always will be. For you.” As if to reinforce his promise he places a tender kiss on Will’s forehead.

He can feel Will’s smile on his skin and then Will tightens his hold on him and Ethan knows he’s the luckiest man in the world, feeling the most content and happy in years.


	4. Chapter 4

**Friday, 17 th September**

**_Late evening_ **

 

But this time he wasn’t there. He broke his promise. He wasn’t there in time to save him. Ethan bites his lip at the memory of that particular summer day when the world was still all right. This day had left him with a thought which kept gnawing at his mind. A somewhat terrifying thought but at the same time wonderful and a testament to how deeply in love he is with Will. He hasn’t done anything about it yet, though.

Ethan didn’t listen when the doctors enumerated Will’s various injuries. The feeling of him unconscious in his arms is still too real, too present, and too horrible and the fact that he’s responsible for this is just too much to bear.

The voice of the nurse echoes in his ear, saying “He’s lucky that you’ve found him in time.” Ethan loathes himself because had they acted _in time_ then Will wouldn’t be here. When they found him he’d been on the brink of death and compared to that he’s much better now but he’s still not conscious and fuck, Ethan needs him awake, he _needs_ him.

“Come on, Will” he pleads, taking Will’s hand in his. “Wake up for me, will you?”

He studies Will’s features; his skin is worryingly pale and yet he seems so calm and peaceful, as if he doesn’t remember the horror of the past hours. Perhaps it’d be better that way, Ethan thinks.

The beeping from the machines suddenly gets quicker and Ethan’s heart picks up speed and when he turns his head back to Will, he’s looking straight into a pair of beautiful, blue, tired eyes.

“Will!” It’s not much more than a choked whisper and Ethan knows he’d have cried right here and now if it hadn’t been too upsetting for Will. He doesn’t need him worried on top of all. So Ethan bites back the tears and instead attempts a shaky smile.

“Hey, sweetheart” he mumbles, reaching up with his hand to caress Will’s cheek. His skin feels hot, as if he’s got a fever but then, he probably has, it’s a miracle he’s woken up so soon. “Hey” Ethan repeats stupidly, at an utter loss for words. He’s pretty sure he’s never been more relieved in his whole life. Thanking the skies for giving him his Will back he clasps Will’s hand a little tighter, squeezing it. That Ethan himself is the one in need of reassurance and not Will, well, he’s aware of it but maybe he’s giving it to himself with this.

Will returns the smile, though the one on his lips appears slightly unsure and there’s an expression in his eyes that takes Ethan a while to identify. When he does, though, it strikes him as odd. Mystification. Will looks at him in what can only be called amazement. His bright blue eyes are wide and he seems to assess him, cataloguing every detail of his face. Then, there’s a hint of a frown as though Will can’t find whatever he’s looking for but the expression soon vanishes and Ethan is presented with the former look of surprise again.

He can’t exactly pinpoint why but he dreads the words as soon as Will opens his mouth to speak.

“Do I know you?” His voice is croaky and he coughs, exhausted from the mere effort of speaking.

Ethan stares at him, taken aback. Nothing in Will’s expression changes, the amazement is still there, paired with curious expectation. His eyes skim over Ethan’s face again and fall down to their entwined fingers for a second until they lock on Ethan’s own eyes.

Ethan knows Will’s expecting an answer but he can’t bring himself to speak. His mouth is suddenly terribly dry and he doesn’t know what to say. He can’t form a coherent thought. There are no words in his blank mind, none that suit this kind of situation, anyway.

Will doesn’t recognise him.

He doesn’t _know_ him.

It takes a few seconds for this new information to register with Ethan’s mind and he just stares, shocked.

Why? Oh God, _why_?

Shit. He wasn’t prepared for something like this. But why should he have been? Memory loss isn’t exactly uncommon, especially not with patients with severe head injuries but still Ethan didn’t think, didn’t imagine it would happen to Will. So, what is he going to tell him? What is he _supposed_ to say?

Ethan lowers his head, breaking eye contact. He takes a deep breath before he talks, hoping that upon hearing his voice, hearing what he says Will might remember.

“You know me” he begins, still unsure of what to say. “Will, it’s me.”

Will simply continues to watch him, there’s such innocent interest and curiosity in his eyes that it feels like a slap round the head for Ethan. It stings.

Then Will shakes his head, as much as he’s able to. “No, I’ve never met you before. I’m quite certain.”

Ethan bites down on his lower lip, trying not to repeat the word _certain_ over and over in his head. Instead, he braces himself for a longer conversation. He has to convince Will that he knows him, he must make him remember.

“We know each other” he says again. “We’re… we’re friends.”

“Really?” Will asks in astonishment, his voice still quiet and hoarse. “But how can we be when I don’t know you?”

“You do, Will, you do know me, you just… you don’t remember.”

Something in Will’s look changes and suddenly there’s a hint of irritation in his eyes. “No” he says rather firmly. “I have a good memory but you’re not a part of it.”

It’s painful seeing him like this, knowing that he’s awake and not in too much pain but the fact that Will doesn’t recognise him hurts beyond imagination.

_You’re not a part of it._ Hearing these words from Will’s lips makes his stomach churn and Ethan hopes it doesn’t show on his face. It’s all he ever wanted from the moment he saw Will, being a part of his life. Falling for him happened so rapidly that Ethan can’t even pinpoint one exact moment. He just knew that when Will had walked away in Seattle he had to do something about this, he couldn’t let him go.  Perhaps this is why he’d shared his secret with him, to alleviate the burden on Will’s shoulders and to make him stay. It took Ethan a lot of persuading but in the end Will allowed him into his life.

Being denied this now, it just hurts so fucking much. He trembles with the thought.

Ethan clenches his teeth, inhaling deeply albeit shakily. He isn’t prepared for this but he needs to convince Will. Otherwise… Ethan doesn’t want to think about what might happen if Will doesn’t regain his memory.

“You know me because we work together” he offers as a start. “We have been for a long time.”

Will has taken to watching him again, remaining silent but attentively listening to him.

“And…” Ethan trails off, his eyes dropping down to their linked hands and he begins to gently stoke his thumb over Will’s bruised skin. “And we’re friends, you know? Actually…” at that he lifts his head again, searching out Will’s gaze, his own vision blurry. “We’re more than that” he whispers.

It might just be the painkillers, all the numerous kinds of medication flowing through Will’s bloodstream, Ethan tries to convince himself. Will’s been hurt badly and Ethan doesn’t even want to know the names of all the stuff they’ve given him so that he can sleep and get better. Maybe it’s just the body healing itself, perhaps it’s some kind of inner defence mechanism. Ethan comes up with more and more possible explanations just to push the truth as far away as he can.

Will doesn’t recognise him.

So this is what being forgotten feels like.

“I don’t know you but for some reason you seem to know me” Will says and there’s still surprise audible in his voice. “And you know my name.”

Ethan wants to scream, cry, all at once, he wants to take Will into his arms and tell him it’s going to be all right again but he’s afraid of what might happen when he touches him like that and so he withdraws his hand and sits back in his chair, ignoring how much it hurts to let go of Will.

“Of course I know your name, darling.” His voice is trembling and he blinks rapidly to extinguish the tears pooling behind his eyes. And then he just goes for it because what else is there he can do? “We’re together” he blurts and the look on Will’s face makes his heart constrict painfully.

Will is smiling, a small, quiet smile. And then he’s softly shaking his head. “I don’t have a partner” he declares and Ethan chokes on the words, his chest feeling too tight. “Although… there’s this--” he stops short, glancing up at Ethan. “You don’t seem to mind, do you?”

Ethan gives him a quizzical look, still trying to recover from Will’s words that are like a dagger to his heart. “Mind what?” he manages, speaking suddenly being an insurmountable effort.

“Well…” Will fidgets with his fingers and the sheer cuteness of it has Ethan wanting to cry again. “Well, not everyone reacts well when they find out I’m not straight” he explains, slightly uncomfortable and with shyness lacing his tone. He gives Ethan a sheepish smile.

Ethan shakes his head almost violently. “No, no I don’t mind, I…” he lets the sentence unfinished, for one because he doesn’t know what to say and secondly, perhaps, he begins to tentatively think, he can get through to Will if he keeps his fantasy alive. Maybe playing along he can find a way to make Will realise even if every second of this aches in his heart. He swallows heavily, trying and failing to shield himself, for thinking this train of thought to end is more painful than any form of physical torment.

Or, if this is it and he’s simply erased from Will’s mind then maybe Ethan can find a way to make him fall for him again. But how the hell is he supposed to do that when the mere thought of having lost their shared past, their _everything,_ feels as if it’s going to crush him?

A low chuckle from Will rips him out of his dire thoughts. “That’s good” Will says. “Because, you know, there’s this guy… at work… he’s, he’s really nice, you know? Kind and very handsome” another nervous laugh interrupts his speaking as Will closes his eyes for a moment, probably thinking of said man.

Ethan watches him and he can’t help but smile because Will is being terribly cute. But the sadness tinging his smile won’t leave because he knows that Will still doesn’t remember and he’s not sure how he’s going to deal with it if he never will again.

“Where do you work?” Ethan asks, just for the sake of conversation, managing to keep his voice from wobbling. And, let’s admit it, because he craves to hear his voice.

Will opens his eyes again, letting them wander around while he creases his forehead. “I work for the government, I think.”

“You think?”

Will chuckles again but a cough takes a hold of him before he can speak and Ethan gets up to fill a glass with water.

“Here” he hands him the glass. “Drink.”

Will accepts it without protest and takes a cautious sip. Ethan watches him, feeling his heart slow down a bit. It won’t be easy and it hurts like hell but it’s getting a little less suffocating with every minute. At least Will isn’t afraid of him.

Ethan can’t decide what is worse. Having Will scream and shout at him and being pushed out of the room, away from him, or seeing him smiling sweetly, daydreaming about someone else, spilling his heart to Ethan as if they’re long-time friends.

Whichever way, Ethan is a stranger to him.

He closes his eyes for a moment, suffers silently.

“Thanks” Will croaks and hands the glass back and Ethan places it on the table next to the bed.

Only now does the thought cross his mind that he should call for a nurse, tell them the patient’s awake. But… no, not yet. He needs to try everything to make Will remember first. He seems fine, anyway. As far as the definition can go in this case.

“Sorry” Will apologises, dragging him out of his thoughts again. “It’s all a bit chaotic up here” he says by way of explanation and motions towards his head. “Bit messed up.”

“Yeah, I figured that much.” Ethan gives him a sad smile. On a whim, he asks, “What happened to you?”

Will swallows, coughing again. “I had a car accident. They said I’m lucky I made it out in one piece.” He looks up then, a grin tugging at the corners of his mouth. “Well, what you can call _one piece_ ” he says, holding up both his hands, rendering Ethan even more aware of all the tubes and wires.

“Yeah” he just voices stupidly and reminds himself that this is not the Will he knows, this is not _his_ Will. He got injured and apparently that messed with his brain. Nevertheless, Will seems to have a rather clear memory of what happened to him. Another defence mechanism, perhaps, Ethan tries to convince himself. The brain filling in fake details where the truth would be too disturbing. And… well, Ethan is part of that truth so maybe that might be the reason why Will doesn’t recognise him.

“I don’t remember everything” Will continues, “but there was a crossroad and some idiot simply ignored the red traffic light and crashed right into my side. The doctor said the impact was rather severe. That’s why I’m looking like a broken vase glued back together.”

He offers Ethan a smile and Ethan manages to return it.

Ethan feels like a broken vase but there is no glue to put him back together.

“So, you work for the government, you say?” Ethan asks because hell, he doesn’t know where this is going and he’s just so frightened that he might be doing the wrong thing.

“Yes” Will nods emphatically and regrets it the second he’s done it. “Ouch, that _hurts_ ” he complains and Ethan wishes he could do something, anything to ease his pain.

“Do you want me to call for a nurse?”

“No, not necessary” Will gently waves him off. “It’s just a headache, I was told those are going to be my best friends for a couple of weeks.” He pulls a grimace. “Not looking forward to it.”

“No, of course not.” Ethan doesn’t know why he’s throwing in these stupid sentences but he can’t help himself. He’s just so… so utterly helpless. And although Will’s awake and seemingly rather fine he feels well and truly alone.

Ethan thought he knew what being shattered feels like. Seems he has to learn this lesson all over again.

“What were we talking about… oh, yes, my workplace.” Will looks at him, smiling again. “It sounds rather fancy but it’s not half as interesting, let me tell you.”

“Really?”

“Well, the only thing I do day in, day out is sift through massive amounts of data. I’m an analyst, you know?”

At least a bit of truth at the core of the lie. Ethan knows it shouldn’t but it sparks hope inside of him that maybe, under all these layers of false memories, his Will lies sleeping soundly and waiting to wake up when he’s healed again.

Until then, Ethan is going to do the only thing he can. “That’s, err, not half as interesting as it sounds?” He even manages a short laugh. It sounds bitter, though, and feels so wrong.

Will doesn’t seem to notice for he’s laughing himself. “Indeed.” The way his eyes crinkle looks so terribly endearing and Ethan aches to touch him but he doesn’t dare.

Will seems pensive for a moment. “How did we get to this… oh, right. Yeah. My… well, I can say it, can’t I? My crush.” He winks at Ethan but when he doesn’t get the response he’s expected Will falters. “But I shouldn’t be bothering you, I bet you’ve got far more important things to do than talking to a car crash stranger who’s” he eyes the tubes suspiciously, “probably high on some stuff.”

_You’re not a stranger_ , Ethan thinks and startles at Will’s surprised question of, “I’m not?”

Oh. So he said that out loud.

Quickly thinking of a story Ethan can tell him he utters the first thing that comes to his mind. “Yes, well, not a complete stranger. We, um, we work together.” At least it’s not a complete lie.

“Oh, do we?” On top of it all, Will seems to be excited at the idea. “Really? I haven’t noticed.”

“Well, that’s because we’re not in the same department” Ethan hastily explains. “I’m the one they always send around the globe, you know, field work and all.”

“Oh” Will drags out the syllable and his eyes light up in a mixture of understanding and interest. “So you’re one of the men in black?”

Ethan allows himself a pathetic chortle. “Kind of” he affirms, the slightest bit bemused by the comparison. The real Will would never say this. This thought has the laughter die on his lips and the lump reappears in his throat, ready to choke him.

“It’s not half as interesting as it sounds” he quickly puts an end to this direction of the conversation. “What’s with that crush of yours?”

It’s funny, really. If Ethan thinks about it, he can’t point out a day where he’s talked to Will in such an… honest way. Even if what they are talking about is half a lie. Not that they’re not honest with each other, it’s just that he’s never experienced Will this open and willing to share his feelings with him. And that hurts a bit.

Will’s low chuckle has him looking up again and he realises that he rarely gets to see Will so carefree and cheery. The merriment written over his face is something Ethan wants to see more often but there’s always something – mostly work – that interferes, a rather constant spanner in the works. So he cherishes the moment, again reminding himself that his Will is still somewhere beneath that façade.

“Well… as I said, he’s very handsome.” Will examines him for a moment, then says, “He looks a bit like you, to be honest.”

And it’s all Ethan can do not to give in to the tears and reach for Will’s hand and tell him that here he is, that it’s him he’s talking about, and that God, he _misses_ him.

Instead, he goes for a weak, “Oh, really? I’ll take that as a compliment.”

Will smiles, lost in thought for a while, his blue eyes never leaving Ethan’s. “I’ve tried to scrounge up the nerve to ask him out” he narrates. “Countless times. But well, I’m not really forward when it comes to things like that and so he remains oblivious. Sometimes I get the feeling he doesn’t even know me. Doesn’t even see me. I know it sounds ridiculous and that I’m being a little boy about it but… And then there’s still the issue of how he’s going to take it? How will he react? I mean, we’re not exactly friends, we’re colleagues, yes, but that’s about it. I mean, I can ask him if he wants to go for a coffee or come with me for lunch but what if he doesn’t get what I’m implying? What if he _does_ suspect something and is appalled by it? I’m probably thinking too much but who doesn’t worry about these kinds of things? I’ve never been good at this. Not a natural at wooing people as he seems to be.” He trails off, his look distant now and Ethan can tell he’s thinking about _him_ , this man, and how Will wishes their relationship to be like.

If this is what Will felt like before they got together then Ethan is going to make it up to him, take him somewhere nice and tell him just how much Will means to him, how much he loves him. He’s going to tell him as soon as gets him back.

When he gets him back.

_If_ he gets him back.

Ethan bites down hard on his lip until he tastes blood in his mouth. He shouldn’t be thinking about Will like this. He’s not going to give him up. Not now, not so soon. No, he knows he’s going to get him back, everything is going to be okay.

He hopes it will.

“You’re right, you know, you shouldn’t be too worried. I’m sure he likes you. I mean, look at you, you’re-” _say it!_ “You’re beautiful and kind and… well, you’re really likeable.” Ugh. Great start, Ethan.

There it is again, this look of complete astonishment on Will’s face. Ethan feels his heart clench because he just looks so adorable.

“Do you really think that?” Will asks, caught off-guard, mystified.

“Yes” Ethan replies and his voice doesn’t make it above a whisper.

Will studies him for a while longer and then something in his expression changes. “Hey” he says, concern in his tone, and reaches out with his hand.

Ethan startles when there’s a soft, hesitant touch at his cheek and he swallows heavily, trying to suppress the shiver.

“Are you all right?” Will enquires worriedly.

Ethan is quick to nod. “Sure” he says, and hopes the smile he attempts dismisses all of Will’s concerns.

It doesn’t.

“You… you look sad” Will states, leaving his hand where it is, resting against the side of Ethan’s face.

Trying to get his breath and his heart under control Ethan has to mobilise all his willpower not to give in and lean into the touch because God knows it’s what he’s aching to do. “I’m fine, don’t you worry about me. Your own condition is disconcerting enough.”

But Will doesn’t seem to be even listening to him. “You can tell me” he offers, gentle compassion in his voice.

How strange, how surreal this must be to him, waking up to find a complete stranger sitting at his bedside, claiming to know him, to be his boyfriend, and then this man is close to a breakdown and all Will worries about is this stranger because he looks _sad_. He doesn’t even waste a thought on his own injuries.

It’s just so like Will.

Ethan draws a shuddering breath, knowing that he must end this now. He doesn’t want to leave but he can’t bear being near to Will any longer, it’s killing him.

“I’ve just not been lucky in love these past few years” he says quietly and even this is not a lie.

“I’m sorry” Will whispers, and it’s so heartfelt that Ethan struggles to think straight and his heart breaks a little more.

“Don’t be” he manages. Steeling himself for – for what, exactly? He doesn’t know – he hazards a glance and heaves a small sigh of relief when he finds Will smiling softly.

“You know, maybe we should go out for a coffee and a sandwich when you’re up and about again.” The proposition is out before Ethan can stop himself but this is his only chance. There is a rather overwhelming possibility that Will is going to stay this way, that he’s not going to remember and Ethan’s going to do everything to build up again what they had. And if he won’t get that, well, he doesn’t know what he’s going to do then. But if nothing, he wants to be a part of Will’s life, in any way Will would have him. _Any_ way.

“Yeah” Will’s smile widens. “Yeah, perhaps we should.”

Ethan’s heart takes a leap but before he can smile back Will’s bending over, face horribly distorted with pain.

“Will? Hey, Will!” Ethan jumps up from his chair, hurriedly rushing to the door and calling out for help. He’s back at Will’s side in a split-second, holding his hand, trying to soothe him. “It’s all right, sweetheart, help is on the way, you’re going to be fine.”

Will lets out a pained sob but he’s got his eyes screwed shut so that Ethan can’t get through to him, can’t look him in the eyes and assure him that he’s there, that he won’t leave him. He wants to look him in the eyes because he isn’t sure his voice is doing such a good job at calming him down.

Then the nurse is at his side and Ethan reluctantly lets go of Will’s hand and retreats to the back of the room. He keeps pacing up and down until the nurse is finished and when she turns and meets Ethan’s fearful glance she explains quietly, “I’ve given him something so that he can sleep a bit.”

“Is he going to be all right? Is he in pain?” The words stumble out of his mouth and he knows he needs to remain calm but fails disastrously.

“Nothing out of the ordinary” the nurse provides. “He’s not going to heal quickly, I won’t fool you, but he will be fine eventually.”

Ethan doesn’t dare ask how long she thinks it’ll take for he dreads the answer. Only then does he realise that she meant the injuries so this means-- Ethan shakes with the thought that Will might not, might never regain his memories. The nurse leaves him, telling him that he should go home and get some rest himself. They’ve been very generous with the visiting hours already and Ethan knows he shouldn’t push his luck but he can’t leave Will.

 

A thought crosses his mind after Will’s eyes have fallen shut again.

He never asked for his name.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey folks! I am back! I know, this is hideously late and I can't apologise enough. Life has been busy the past few months and as much as I'd like to, I can't guarantee regular updates at the moment. To make it up to you at least a tiny bit, you'll get two chapters today.
> 
> A HUGE thank you to all of you who've stayed with me so far and who have been patient with me. I promise, I will write whenever I can but at the moment, life is one giant chaos.
> 
> Of course, a big thank you goes to my lovely beta!!
> 
> All right, thank you again for reading and leaving kudos and comments, it is greatly appreciated! I hope you enjoy this chapter!

**Saturday, 18 th September**

**_In the wee hours of the morning_ **

 

This time Ethan doesn’t even turn around when the door opens again and Jane slips into the room. It’s around one in the morning and Ethan can barely keep his eyes open. Still, he refuses to sleep. How long has he been awake? Forty-eight hours? Fifty? Even more? He’s lost count.

Jane pulls up the other lonely chair and sits opposite him on Will’s other side.

“I heard you calling and saw the nurse…” she looks at him, searches for his gaze. “Something happened?” Her voice is quiet, soothing. It calms Ethan a bit and all of a sudden he’s glad that she’s here.

“He woke up” he hears himself say, not able to tell when his mind decided on the words. His mouth seems to have developed a life of its own.

Jane’s face lights up with relief. “That’s great news!” The smile spreading on her face stops halfway, though, when she sees Ethan’s expression. “But…?” she cautiously asks, leaving him time to compose an answer.

Ethan doesn’t know how to tell her. Saying it will make it real, and it will hurt even more. But there is no way around it, no way to put it better so he simply goes with it. “He didn’t recognise me.”

He can hear Jane’s breath catch and deliberately doesn’t look at her. He doesn’t want to see her face, either kept carefully blank or clouded with worry and compassion.

Jane is silent for a long while, carefully choosing her next words. “It’s not uncommon” she finally says and Ethan knew she would say that.

Well, she’s right, of course, but she wasn’t here, she didn’t _see_ him. But how is he going to explain that?

Before he can speak Jane’s voice cuts through the silence. “Considering everything he’s been through… The doctor said that it’s to be expected.”

Ethan still refuses to meet her eyes but he can tell she’s looking closely. When there’s a gentle touch at his hand, which is still lying on the blanket draped over the sleeping Will, he does look up. Jane has reached across the bed and her hand is lying over Ethan’s. Her dark eyes remain fixed on his until he finally meets her gaze.

“You shouldn’t worry so much. He’s going to be fine.”

If only Ethan could believe the sureness in her voice. He wants to, God knows he does more than anything, but the guilt won’t let him and he starts to think he gets a glimpse of how Will must have felt all those years ago. But, can he really claim to know?

“That is what I keep telling myself” he answers lowly, withdrawing his hand from under Jane’s and running it through his hair, a deep sigh accompanying his words.

Of course Jane sees right through him. She’s not as good as Will at reading people but she’s close. “Don’t blame yourself, Ethan.”

“Yes, but, I can’t very well blame anyone else, now can I?” he snaps, and shit, he didn’t intend to be harsh.

Jane doesn’t comment on it and instead says in a quiet voice, her eyes now on Will’s sleeping face, “I’m sorry, Ethan.”

“It’s not your fault, Jane.” No, she’s not going to do that. She’s not going to take the blame because that wouldn’t be fair.

“But I—”

“It’s not your fault, it’s mine. I sent him out, I agreed on him playing the part.”

“We all did.”

“But it was my responsibility.” Ethan doesn’t care if he sounds persistent, idiotic, because this is the truth. He shouldn’t have allowed Will to go out there, he should have found another way.

Jane seems to think otherwise. “If I’d listened to you…”

“Jane, it’s not your fault.”

And with that the conversation is over. Ethan’s made it clear, he’s the one to blame and it’s right that he feels the way he does because this is what you get when you’re too stupid to read the signs. Ethan’s eyes travel to Will again and again he looks so calm. Not as much as before, there’s an edge of pain to the expression on his face, Ethan can see how he’s slightly tensed. His mind travels back to their conversation and as he replays it in his head he starts to think that if this is how it’s going to be at the beginning – because as soon as Will sees Benji and Jane or at least when he’s out of the hospital and slowly getting back to work, his memories will gradually come back, they must – then the start wasn’t so bad. He almost smiles at himself that he managed to get Will to go out with him in under an hour. So perhaps not all hope is lost. He’s just got to wait until Will wakes up again and then he’ll see.

Suddenly he finds himself talking to Jane, telling her what really happened. She remains silent until Ethan’s finished and then gently shakes her head in disbelief.

“I don’t know what to say to that” she admits honestly, voicing how Ethan has been feeling for hours now.

“Never mind” he murmurs. “It’s just… it kills me that all I can do is wait. I’m sick and tired of it, you know? I want to _do_ something, I want to _help_.” There. It had to be said. He feels better now that it’s out.

“You are helping” Janes assures him. “You’re here, aren’t you? You haven’t left his side since we came here and I’m sure he appreciates it. Even if he doesn’t recognise you. And” she gets up, careful not to let the chair make any noise, “he trusts you. He trusted you enough to tell him all this about himself albeit he thought he didn’t know you.” Walking around the bed she comes to a halt next to him. “It’s a good sign, Ethan. Deep down he’s still the same and he’ll come back. I know he will.”

“Yes, it’s just… I miss him, Jane. I miss him.” Ethan’s never admitted anything of this out loud, well, to Will but to no one else and he feels so small, the feeling of uselessness growing stronger again and settling in his stomach.

“We all do” Jane whispers. She doesn’t have to say _I know it’s worse for you,_ Ethan can tell from her eyes.

She extends a hand but Ethan merely stares at it, dumbfounded.

“You need to go home, Ethan” she says by way of explanation but he’s already shaking his head.

“You can’t stay forever, they won’t allow you to.”

“I don’t care.” And that’s it. What else should he say when this is all there is to it? He’s not being stubborn, he’s not miffed because his pride is hurt. This is not the reason why he keeps brushing off their offers of help. They’re only concerned about him. Just as he’s worried about Will. He stays, he doesn’t sleep because he cares about Will, because he’s deeply worried about him and he needs to make sure, every single second every day that Will is as fine as he can be. Ethan wants to be there when Will wakes up again. He can’t afford leaving him.

Jane sighs but lets her hand drop and turns towards the door. She’s tried twice, Ethan knows she won’t try to persuade him another time. She understands.

“Tell them I’m staying, please, okay?” Ethan asks, although it’s more a request. “I can sleep here.”

Jane nods and Ethan knows that she knows that he will stay, but he won’t sleep.

 

When the door clicks shut Ethan leans up and ever so gingerly presses his lips to Will’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like, come talk to me on [tumblr](http://atravellingsoldierstaleofwinter.tumblr.com/)!


	6. Chapter 6

**Saturday, 18 th September**

**_Around midday_ **

 

Ethan Hunt is by nature a man of actions. He senses when it’s time to let a gun do the talking. And he’s inseparably bound to the ones he loves. He will never give them up – he’d rather go through hell and back. Will always chides him for his self-sacrificing behaviour but this is who he is. He’s wired that way and he can’t change it. But even Ethan Hunt can’t fight off sleep forever. It overwhelmed him at some point last night; the last time he’s looked at a clock it’d been 3:27. At home, in their bed with Will cuddled close to him, after a mission or on the weekends Ethan can sleep like a baby and not even an explosion would wake him. But when he’s on duty he’s always sharp, always wary. His light sleep has saved them a couple of times already. This is why he’s immediately wide awake when he feels a twitching underneath his hand. Eyes flying open he assesses the situation. He’s still sitting in the chair, bent over so that he could rest his arms and head on the bed. One hand is draped over Will’s and this is what has lured him out of sleep.

His head is spinning a little – no wonder, sleep-deprivation, adrenaline, no food, and a worried mind aren’t the best ingredients for a healthy condition. Ethan blinks a couple of times until his vision is clear and when he looks up he can’t believe his eyes.

Will has found his way out of sleep, he’s currently wiping the remains of it off his face, stifling a yawn into his bandaged left hand. The movement must be extremely painful for him, though, because he frowns at his hand, features contorted, and carefully puts the bandaged limb back on the mattress.

Ethan almost physically feels Will’s pain when he remembers what those villains did to him there. He won’t be able to use his hand for a long time.

Deciding it would be better if he made his presence known gently so as to not startle Will Ethan lifts his head, his hand never leaving Will’s. Will needs a moment to register that he’s not alone but when he does something in his expression shifts and Ethan can tell he’s relieved to see a friendly face. Anyone would be, right? Ethan offers him a smile; he’s aware how worn out he must look and that Will’s going to be worried but it’s worth it. Having him back is so worth everything.

“How did this… Where am I?” Will asks, confusion written all over his face. He blinks several times, still floating between the realms of drugged sleep and wakefulness.

“You’re in a hospital” Ethan explains. “But it’s all right.”

Will groans. Ethan knows, Will hates hospitals. He can’t blame him, they are not his favourite place to stay, either.

Tenderly caressing his hand Ethan queries, keeping his voice low, “How are you feeling?”

Will lets himself slide back down into the pillow from where he’s tried to sit up and closes his eyes for a moment. “Like I’ve run head first into a brick wall” he informs Ethan and Ethan chuckles. This is Will. Hell, he can’t find words to describe how grateful he is to have him back, hurt, yes, but safe and back to his old self.

“Good guess, but not close” Ethan comments, not able to drag his eyes away from this beautiful sight. Jane was right, Will only needed time and rest and everything else would sort itself out.

“So what happened, then?” comes the rasped question.

“You don’t remember?” Ethan debates with himself whether he should tell Will now or leave the details for later. He doesn’t want to bother him too much so maybe the latter is the better alternative.

“No, there’s a big black hole in my head” Will puts him in the picture – or, rather, tells him that he’s basically out of it.

Ethan fumbles for suitable words but for some reason thinking has become rather hard now that he can’t get that huge, goofy grin off his face. If it weren’t for all the fuss and the life monitors and the admittedly rather uncomfortable hospital atmosphere and his own twitchy state he perhaps would have said that he felt as happy as on that summer afternoon.

But then, the word _happy_ doesn’t even suffice in describing this exquisite feeling inside of him.

“Let’s talk about that later” he suggests. “Let me just say that there was—”

He doesn’t reach the end of the sentence for Will lets out another groan, shifting in search of a more comfortable position. “Right” he coughs, “the accident.” He opens his eyes. “Sure, temporarily forgot about that. How convenient, don’t you think?”

The words slice through Ethan like knives and he stops breathing. Unable to look away he lets himself be eyed by Will’s analysing glance and his next words are like ice in his veins, making his blood run cold.

“I’m sorry, but do I know you?”

The lump in his throat is back and it seems to have grown for no matter how often Ethan swallows it won’t go away. With it the fear comes back, almost an old friend now, and it brings the guilt, too, and Ethan’s choking again, he feels as though he can’t get enough air into his lungs. It’s not happening again, it can’t be. Will seemed all right just a minute ago, he seemed himself so why are they back to the start, why? Ethan’s too shocked to answer, he’s unable to move, just sitting there and staring at Will unbelievingly.

He must be caught in a time loop.

“You’re not the guy who ran me over with his car, are you?” Will enquires, seemingly unfazed. “’Cause then I’d have to be mad at you but for some reason I feel like I can’t.”

Ethan continues to stare, his tongue a stone in his mouth, his mind racing with the worst horror scenarios. It’s not even the Will from a few hours ago, the one who agreed to have coffee with him, no, it’s a new Will. It feels as if someone pressed reset and they’re starting all over again, like a broken record repeating the same over and over again.

Ethan feels like smashing something hard against the wall for all the fear and dread piling up inside him and it’s just too much to bear. But his legs won’t move and all he can do is stare at Will. Will, whom he doesn’t know anymore. Will, who doesn’t recognise him.

He needs to tell him that there hasn’t been an accident, that Will’s been— fuck, he’s been tortured and it’s all Ethan’s fault and he can’t seem to see a way to make things right again for they seem to slip out of his hands before he can get a grasp on them. Everything is rapidly getting out of control and Ethan can’t seem to find a steady hold, there’s nothing to keep him upright and he’s stumbling, staggering, falling, and Will’s slipping further away from him with every minute that passes but there’s nothing Ethan can do. _Nothing_. Ethan almost hates the word as much as he hates himself.

What has he done to deserve this? Oh, plenty actually. He’s waited too long, he’s risked Will’s life for the sake of a bloody mission and now he’s paying the price for it. It shouldn’t be Will in this bed, without his memories, it should be him. Ethan should be in his stead, beaten up and tortured, he’d deserve it. Those aren’t Will’s scars to bear. But no, fate decided that it’d be crueller and a better lecture if Ethan stayed fine, having to watch how everything slips out of his reach, how the one he loves is taken away from him. Scars will heal, they’re only marks on your skin reminding you every day of what you did wrong but you can cover them. Ethan knows clothes aren’t always enough but those scars aren’t comparable to the scars inside of you. These are the really vicious ones, they will keep vexing you for the rest of your life. Ethan shudders violently at the thought that Will knows these scars, he bears them, too. But he’s learnt to live with them. It had taken him quite a long time but he’s come all the way, he’s been down that road to the very, bitter end but he’s managed to deal with it eventually.

What is it he used to say? Ethan is his peace of mind. It sounds so strange and wrong but Will used to say that there’s only one person in the whole world who could truly understand him – and this person is Ethan. He was the only one from whose lips Will would eventually believe the words _It wasn’t your fault_ , who would be able to give him peace. It’s weird, in a way, since Ethan’s the cause for Will’s many worries and restless nights but Will would merely smile at that, saying that an analyst can strip a problem down to the core when no one manages to see clearly, pick apart everything, except for himself.

Ethan fights away the tears that threaten to overwhelm him once again. This can’t be fair. This just _can’t be._

Only now does he realise that Will’s asked him a question and so he shakes his head and says the first words he can grab a hold of. “No, no, I haven’t— I wasn’t…” he trails off, not able to think of anything more.

“Good” Will sighs, a little relieved. “Because – don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean to sound rude or intruding – you seem rather nice and it’d be a shame if I had to be angry with you.” A chuckle that sounds halfway shy and half amused attaches itself at the end of the sentence. “But to be fair, it could be considered weird that you’re sitting at a stranger’s bedside. Not that I’m implying anything” Will adds hurriedly, a grin breaking way on his face.

He’s reliving it all over again. Ethan doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do. He’s not sure if he can handle this as he did it the first time but again, there seems to be the tiniest bit of hope in all this mess because Will _likes_ him. He’s said so himself and that means he can’t be all gone, now can he? Ethan has to cling to that bit of hope and just carry on.

“Yes, um, I… I witnessed the accident” he finally says, despising the words as they leave his mouth. “And they didn’t find any number they could call because your phone didn’t survive the crash so I stayed. Couldn’t leave you all alone, could I?”

Will smiles at this. “How kind of you to care” he mumbles, a little amazed. He takes Ethan in for moment and if Ethan thinks Will’s blushing a bit when their eyes meet, well, then he’s most likely imagining.

“Did they apprehend the driver?” Will asks, so completely absorbed in his world.

And what is Ethan doing instead of doing everything to get him to remember? He’s building this world with him, knowing that it’ll crash to the ground as soon as Will goes back to sleep.

“No” he struggles to get out. “It was a hit and run, I’m afraid.”

“Oh” Will looks downcast for a moment before he grabs a hold of himself and adds, a bit hesitantly, “You look oddly familiar. I’m sorry if I’m confusing things, my head feels like a crushed tomato and although I must have slept for, what, two days, I’m still feeling tired.”

“Never mind” Ethan smiles brightly, hiding the hurt. Could this be the first step? Will said he remembered something about him so maybe he’s piecing it together already, perhaps without even being aware of it.

He just has to try. “Yes, we know each other, that’s also why I stayed.”

Will’s face lights up. “Right, we work together, don’t we? And it’s been a few years already. Christ, I’m sorry I didn’t recognise you straight away, it’s all a bit jumbled up here.” The same motioning towards his head, the same apologetic smile.

The tiny spark of hope dies inside of Ethan.

It’s the same story, the same situation just slightly altered. Ethan swears to himself to find those fuckers who did this to Will and kill them up close and personal, make them feel the pain they inflicted on Will in hot, burning detail.

Drawing a trifle of self-confidence from the boiling feeling of rage which the taste of revenge ignited he soothes out the worry lines on his face and puts a smile in their place. “Hey, you had a grave accident, no one expects you to come out of it all shiny and ready to go back in the game.” No, really, no one does but would he have been given the choice between this or – what he expected – Will with his head right but in pain, he’d have selfishly chosen the latter. He can’t afford to be ashamed of the thought.

Will gives him a sheepish smile in return. “Yeah, probably.” Suspiciously eyeing the machines he questions, “What is all this stuff they’re pumping into me?”

Ethan holds up his hands, pairs it with a lifted eyebrow and a half-hearted smirk and hopes Will doesn’t see the pain underneath. His voice is remarkably steady when he opens his mouth, his mind stuck on the thought of how cute Will looks. “Asking the wrong person here. I once asked a nurse but she hadn’t even pronounced the second name and I was already out of it. Tried reading the labels, too, but it delivered as much education as the first try so I gave up on it. I hate hospitals” he adds as an afterthought.

“Me too” Will grumbles, resting his head back against the pillow and letting his eyes dart across the room.

“Anyway, where were you heading for when the accident happened?” Ethan emphasises it with a nod of his head. If this is what he’s going to get then he can at least try and make the best of it. Which means hearing Will’s voice for as long as possible.

“Oh, I was…” Will looks at him, unblinking, as if he can find the answer somewhere written on Ethan’s face. “Shit, I have no idea what I was doing” he realises, slightly shocked. “I can’t seem to remember where I was going, it’s all erased from my memory.” The expression in his eyes hurts in Ethan’s chest and he yearns for being able to trigger the memories.

“What were you doing there?” Will’s question hits him unprepared and Ethan stumbles over his own words while trying to figure out a believable explanation.

“I was” he begins and then stills. If only he could show Will what he feels, make him see. Then perhaps it would spark the same in Will – because it is there, buried in unconsciousness – and he would start to remember. Ethan’s been told that smells are the most reliable triggers for lost memories but surely nothing can be stronger than the feeling of love? It’s worth a try. Ethan’s always been a master in convincing people so why does it seem so incredibly hard now?

“I was on my way to a restaurant” he explains. “Making a reservation.”

A wink is his answer. “Taking someone out?” Will’s face falls as soon as the words are out and he fumbles for an apology. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be too curious.”

“You’re not” Ethan reassures him and the ache to take Will’s hand in his comes back with full force. For a second he considers it but thinks better of it. Better not take things too far too quickly. Will might be repulsed by it and Ethan can’t afford to destroy the tender start of something he’s taken the first unsteady steps towards. Again.

Will smiles warmly then, looking comfortable in Ethan’s company. “Who’s the lucky one?” he asks quietly, his earlier cheekiness gone and Ethan’s breath catches when he thinks to see a hint of sadness in Will’s beautiful eyes.

He swallows heavily, suddenly taken three years back. It hadn’t been easy, convincing Will that they could work, that they _belonged_ together. Ethan remembers at least six or seven months of courting, some days heavily flirting, both of them so very well aware of what they were doing but always restraining themselves for God know whichever reason. Then there were days when they barely exchanged a word and Ethan knows Will still thinks he never noticed. But he did. All those secret looks, stealthily watching him, sneaking a look at him whenever Will thought Ethan didn’t notice. To be fair, Ethan couldn’t restrain himself from acting the same. He liked watching Will at work, so concentrated that he forgot everything around him but only Ethan could make him jump while Will remained perfectly calm when anyone else knocked on his office door, dragging him out of his all-consuming thoughts. Yes, Ethan watched him a lot. It was during that time that he noticed how he kept noticing the small details about Will. How, in the winter, he never managed to put a cap on the right way, always slightly askew while his tie was the role model of accurateness. The worry lines carving deeper and deeper into his forehead, making Ethan cringe and wanting to make them go away. A characteristic fidgeting whenever he was nervous while his face went completely blank, not revealing the slightest hint of emotion. Will was a real craftsman at hiding his feelings, not only in meetings with Hunley and Brassel or other fellow analysts where he did everything to contain his anger and exasperation. He could be a riddle wrapped up in an enigma to his friends as well, sometimes much to their annoyance. Will was always cautious, never letting his guard down in front of anyone, not even when the four of them were out doing what friends do – having fun. But soon enough Ethan discovered that Will didn’t manage to contain all of his feelings inside. Albeit him being extra careful when around Ethan (and that struck Ethan as odd because they were friends, weren’t they?) there was always something breaking through the calm surface. A small smile when Will watched him that he immediately wiped off his face as soon as Ethan turned to look back, undoubtedly feeling caught. The way the tips of ears turned pink whenever Ethan was just that trifle too close to him to be exactly appropriate or when he complimented him (which he developed kind of a habit to do).

Two fools so clearly in love with each other but not realising it. Or perhaps, Ethan thinks, Will did realise (because hell, Ethan did the moment he took more than a second to look at Will and realise just how gorgeous and at the same time shattered and broken on the inside the man was and all Ethan wanted was to heal him, make him smile) but he was just too professional to let feelings get in the way. Being the sensible one. Ethan had tried to lure him out of his shell in a hundred different ways but every time just before Ethan wanted to make the first step and extinguish the small distance that was like a barrier between them, keeping them apart, Will backed away. Ethan had tried to kiss Will many times and always Will had found another way to sneak out of it until that one time when Ethan had been feeling as if he would burst if he didn’t get a taste of those lips that could form such beautiful, perfect smiles. They had been standing in front of Will’s door after what felt like their fiftieth date (Will always denied it, saying they weren’t dating) and Ethan had simply told him as much and laid a hand on Will’s neck before he could run away (he was way too dumbfounded by the confession Ethan had just made to be able to move, anyway) and pulled him towards him in what Ethan felt no shame admitting was the best kiss in his entire life. When he held Will in his arms there he could literally feel the tension of months dripping off him in a wave of relief. The smile Ethan had been met with afterwards had been so brilliant that he just had to kiss him again.

When Ethan had asked Will why he had behaved towards him like he had, closing up, running away, ending it before it even started he didn’t fully believe Will’s answer of “I was scared you might not feel the same.” Ethan knew he was being plain obvious, Will must have noticed (and wasn’t that what his job description labelled him? He was the one who _noticed_ everything before other people even realised there was something to notice). That he had been scared… well, Ethan could understand that bit. They had a history, the two of them, and it wasn’t exactly a solid basis for a permanent relationship. But when Ethan Hunt wanted something – and he wanted this, _Will_ , very, very badly – he usually got it. It irked him a bit that Will was so difficult to win over but at the same time he unashamedly admitted to himself he liked chasing after him a bit. Perhaps he liked it a bit too much. But with his reward being extremely adorable blushes and shy smiles, who could blame him? One look into those startlingly blue eyes would send anyone falling for him in a split-second, of that Ethan was sure (which is why he’s perhaps being a little too possessive sometimes). It didn’t satisfy the longing, though, that had taken up residence in his chest and sometimes, when he wasn’t busy flirting the hell out of Will, he wondered just how much you can want another person. And why he had never felt this yearning before, not this strong.

Taking in the sight of Will there in his bed, dried blood on his face and all stitched up and hurt, the feeling suddenly rises in Ethan’s chest that it’ just the same again. Two idiots too dumb to admit that they’ve fallen for each other a long time ago just for the sake of being sensible.

Of course he can’t be sure that it’s this he sees in Will’s eyes and maybe he only _wants_ to see it but Ethan won’t give up as long as he has a last drop of strength within him to soldier on and fight to get back what belongs to him.

A bat of the eye and the look in Will’s eyes is gone, leaving Ethan wondering whether it has been there at all.

The memory of their – as Jane liked to call it – tiresome, exaggeratedly long courtship has soothed Ethan a bit and he’s feeling calmer now, his heart not as frantic every time he looks at Will, very well aware of the fact that Will doesn’t know him anymore. The sadness won’t leave him, though, and Ethan’s not going to pretend that he isn’t affected by all this mess.

Answering Will’s almost bashful question, he conjures up the image of Will in his head, standing in his office talking to some other agent, perfectly professional but for eyes that know how to read him incredibly bored, turning around just so he doesn’t have to face the source of his troubles and catching sight of Ethan standing between the rows of desks, unnoticed by the other analysts typing away on their computers, and upon seeing him blushing like a little schoolgirl who’s just run into the high school’s heartthrob, quickly casting his eyes downwards.

Ethan has learned how to read Will.

Ethan smiles wistfully as he narrates, “They’re the kindest and most beautiful person I’ve ever encountered, with a brave heart and gorgeous eyes that have you paralysed just because of their utter beauty. They can see right through you, see everything you’ve ever felt, regretted, believed in and lost. They see how you really are and take you for the person you are, never judging you. They’re the most caring and selfless person but their trust is hard to gain. But once you have it, they’d never push you away again, never resent you. They’re gentle and a bit shy and sometimes hesitant to open up to you but when you’re honest and manage to coax them out of their shell they’re going to give all of them to you.”

The smile on his lips turns a littler sadder. Is he idealising? No, no he’s not. This is just how Will is. And Ethan loves him for it. Ethan’s voice is steady albeit growing quieter and quieter towards the end and he wishes the real Will could have heard this. But, perhaps he did.

Will is a true miracle and mystery at the same time. He loves Ethan despite all his craziness and the countless times he’s provoked death, despite all the issues he keeps bottled up inside of him because no matter how unscathed Ethan might appear on the outside, he’s a scarred man. Ethan Hunt is not invincible, contrary to popular belief. But maybe Will loves him not despite it but for it. Perhaps the reason for it is that Will is damaged, too. He has been broken almost beyond repair and so has Ethan but they have been there to save each other and they _are_ there for each other every day, every minute, all the one thousand four-hundred and forty minutes each day offers them. And Ethan has known for a while but now the feeling grows stronger and it won’t let him go, he knows. This is what he wants the rest of his life to be like.

“That sounds… romantic.” Will’s hesitant voice brings him back to reality and he looks at him, completely absorbed by Will’s coy smile.

Ethan nods, it is. He’s always been a hopeless, unrepentant, terribly sentimental romantic. He just doesn’t always let it show.

“How did it go, then?” Will asks.

“Hm?” Ethan needs a moment before he realises what Will is getting at, collecting himself again from where Will managed to shatter him to pieces with just his smile. He is so far gone. “Oh, it, um, it didn’t go anywhere since we never went there.”

Will gives him a sad, compassionate look. “I’m sorry.” Why is he always apologising? Ethan should be apologising for all the shit that happened to Will because of him.

“Is it because of… _this_?” Vaguely gesturing at himself and the machines he hazards another glance at Ethan.

“No” Ethan quickly says, terrified at the idea that Will would think he was the reason the date – that was never arranged – was cancelled. “Just as I was on my way to make the reservation I got a call and well, that was it. They said it wouldn’t be such as good idea.” Will had said that to him when Ethan had first asked him out – asked him out in a way that Will _realised_ he was actually asked on a date. A fond smile tugs at the corners of Ethan’s mouth at the memory and he feels a warmth rising in his chest as a wave of gratitude washes over him that in the end he managed to persuade Will nonetheless.

“So I stayed” Ethan concludes, his tone wistful and low.

“It’s a shame you didn’t get to go out with them. They sounded nice” Will muses, his eyes cast down, his hand tugging at the bandage.

Ethan remains silent as he watches him, thinking that it feels just like old times. His heart is calm now and he can smile without it feeling fake.

“Would it be too forward of me to ask you if you wanted to go out for dinner when I’m out of here? As a thank-you for staying with me.” Will looks almost a bit frightened as he waits for the answer and Ethan thinks it’s terribly cute. This is his Will and at the same time it’s not. He’s torn between laughing and crying, laughing because this shows him that they’re truly made for each other and crying because he isn’t sure he can bear this for much longer.

“No, certainly not, I’d love that” Ethan manages, his face a mask of happiness and it’s only half-forged.

“That’s… that’s great” Will answers and smiles brightly, affectionately but a yawn creeps up his throat and the smile is gone. “Oh my, I feel as if I could sleep for another week. Would you mind if I…?” He smiles, a bit unsure but somehow Ethan feels as though this moment is saving him because he knows he can’t keep talking to Will like this. Not being allowed to touch him, kiss him, not being recognised… it’s tearing and pulling at his heart.

“No, of course not, you need rest, you had a rather rough day” he says, bringing up a hand to run through his hair, a sign of uncertainty.

Will sighs with relief, giving him another shy look, then closes his eyes and seconds later he’s far away.

 

Ethan leans back in his chair thinking that although it’s painful he’s beginning to enjoy these hospital first dates but the sadness, now deeply rooted within him, won’t leave. He doesn’t want to stay the stranger at Will’s bedside.


End file.
